Why I want to gain clarity?
As life events have unfolded for me, life had not been satisfying or smooth or a very healthy experiece for me. In my childhood days, I used to be drentched in emotions and associated turmoils and confusions. Used to cry on petty issues. My body and mind used to always react to my emotions. When I had time to cater to this particular state of mine (ie effectively a carrer break), I started reading spiritual stuff. It had always been inbuild into me since childhood...Even when I was about 6 yrs old, I used to think 'Who I am? Where have I come from? All life events seem to be a running movie. Used to wonder who 'God' really is as its impossible for any one God or whosoever to be present in each particle. Sometimes, the calling of my inner nature was so strong (off and on) that I on my own account used to sit and chant God's name for peace.
Then, ofcourse started reading spirtitual stuff, followed by meditation. This event led me to dissatisfaction as everytime I meditated, something in me told me that this can't be my true self. All these experiences seem to be superimposition and not reality. Then, searched for self realized people on the web. Luckily, found Philip Goddard.
Coming in contact with him, I realized that confusions in my inner state had been due to dark force interferences (which are present for everybody) in existence. Now, I aim to clear myself of these interferences to be able to realise my true nature - not that this is something that I desire or an honour that I want to bestow myself with - but this seems to be calling of my own being and understanding myself is not a compulsion but has always been with me since my childhood days. Just don't know why? But it is always there in me.
Of late, have tried various means to live according to my deepest nature ie my fundamental consciousness. Have tried to look at the physical objects as well as thoughts passing by in my awareness. Also was aware of the interference I received from negative aspects in awareness (dark force). With this, I was not able to realise my true nature, which is always operating in me. So, now I've started looking at my mind in detail. How I react to states of my being. Yes, till now I've 'reacted' to states of my being rather than 'receiving and observing' these states. Still am reacting at large rather than receiving the states and letting them pass or being a silent observer of the same. I've observed:
1) If we are appropriately grounded, we just let each state pass by being a silent observer rather than a participant in form of emotions and our association with the 'I' as the 'actor'. Then we are able to see the state as one complete event, which involves all actors, 'i' in this body and any other being. Being the silent observer means letting the states pass. Am not getting into 'ego' bit and innhalation of ego as that is really v difficult and confusing (sourced from the dark force). We have to exercise our free will in life and ego is a blockage to that concept. But, when a state is passing, I have to accept that it involves itself, me, or any other being or object. So, if I am emotional about it, I am getting attached to that state rather than letting it go.
2) Using methodology ie clarity sphere, grounding post, alexander technique, visual eye awareness, removing blocks in my awareness, clearing weak connections, empowering myself (via affirmations) and clearing myself of dark force attacks, clearing all the illusionary realities that I am carrying.
3) Being aware of my surroundings ie physical surroundings. So, when i move any part of my body, such as tapping of feet or shaking of legs (which used to happen previously when I used to be impatient, happens comparatively less as now I am aware of this and know that this reaction is making me attached to my feeling of being impatient. Recently, have started a detailed focus on the Alexander technique and all aspects that it involves. Am viewing the videos available on the net to get atleast started with it in an appropriate manner.
4) Being in the present moment. When a thought comes, it is mostly a reaction or a possible outcome to any previous event or reaction. Let it pass and while I do so, I've often observed that I say to myself 'Why are you living with the ghost of this thought or event that has already passed? Right now, there is nothing of this sort. So, let me get back to present moment. Still I know that I am negotiating thought with a thought. But when I am able to take charge of what I think, then I assume I'll be more at par with deepest aspects.
5) Till the time there is an analysis or thought for a thought, I know I am still in duality. The process of analysis, however, is helping me to gain a more rational outlook to life than I had before. But nonetheless, it is still a mind matrix.
So, what is really being an observer (from my perspective)?
As far as I have observed, only one thought can pass the mind at a given point of time. This thought can then lead to a network or web of hundreds of thoughts.
Earlier, this used to be the case with me. I used to get swayed away by my thoughts and all the emotions that arose from them were wrecking my life. I used to almost feel like I was drowned in a sea of emotions, and it was very difficult for me to rise to the surface again. Everything seemed to be happening automatically and I never realized what is going on. Was never into the present moment -was always 'lost' into events of past and alternative possiblities from these events or some wishful thinking and possibilities from these events. Was attached to each and every emotion of mine.
The next step in my understanding was- whatever was happening, I used to be affected by it to be affected by it to a great extent. At this stage, the thoughts of past events and alternative possiblities and wishful thinking had stopped arising to a great extent. I was more into overall present, however, not still in the present moment.
Then, I started becoming 'aware' of my thoughts and physical gestures and surroundings. Whenever a thought arose, I used to be 'aware' of it ie when the thought ended, I used to acknowledge that this has happened (earlier used to get swayed with all thoughts). Still, I was greately 'attached' to each emotion of mine and had no understanding to surface out of it.
Then, while I was 'aware' of the thought, physical gestures and surroundings, I tried to catch hold of the reactions the thoughts bring in me and the turmoil they cause in me. So, gained an understanding on working of mind and emotions and emotional patterns (a cursory reading). This provided pointers as to how I can stop myself from getting into 'emotional trap'. ie if an emotion arises, I can process it in a creative adaptive way (what they left brain) rather than getting swayed by it. Have been doing this since then - specially to gain a bird's eye view of an entire situation, rather than just my viewpoint and my interest. This makes the emotion less severe and easy to let go of. Yes, am zapping using clarity sphere, all those issues that I can figure out logically.
Still, I know that I am not a silent observer. This is because a thought passes first, then I realize (or am aware) that it has passed, then I act on the basis of requirement - ie to use the clarity sphere or adapt in a creative adaptive way or sometimes react also (still due to poor grouding at that moment).
But of late, I've observed that some reactions of mine for example, anger wrt a particular situation that I zap everday, has started receeding. In fact, I could sense this emotion 'burning away'. Now, I really don't do any wishful thinking and am not dwelling too much in past events. Now, the moment the thought has completed, I am aware of it and acknowledge its passing by. But still, one thing I've observed - I am 'attached' to emotions. For example, if I'm feeling sad, I am into feelings caused by sadness wrt to a particular event. If I am 'attached' to emotion of sadness, I'll be in that emotion for days together and all the events in my life will be affected adversly, thereby building a whirlpool for me.
But now, I am aware that I am at the first place 'attached' to the emotion (lets say sadness). This sadness is caused by a particular event. Have an intent to say that I let go of the emotion of sadness. This can be strengthened by doing core star visualization technique (which aims at letting go of the emotion and bringing awareness back to the present moment). Now, I have to carefully understand the underlying thoughts in that event which have brought about the reaction of sadness. Zap all these thoughts. Along with zapping of thoughts, clear all weakening connections (to person, the attachment to that particular emotion itself, the reaction to that emotion, all the potential thoughts which we have that the person in question is capable of doing). This is followed by how I can creatively 'adapt' to the situation rather than react to it and make things worse for myself.
- Integrating 'choice' in my lifestyle.
Also, earlier whatever was the outcome of a particular event, I used to get 'startled' by the outcome of the event. ie if the event caused panic, I used to be in the state of panic for long durations and felt that there was no choice for me accept to be in that state. Also, all the future reactions to similar events were automatically getting into the state of panic. But now, since I am aware of my of thougths, mostly I don't get startled by the events. Am aware that I can choose to come out of the situation. Work out choices on the basis of energy testing. This has helped me a lot to overcome the trap that an emotion or a reaction had set for me and blocks in my awareness are clearing away due to such practice. I also think that at the moment of death, awareness can be stuck with astral realm if one gets startled and shocked because of:
a) losing habitual contact with the physical body
b) being ungrounded
c) not knowing where to go since there is no physical body to cling to
d) blocks already existing in awareness: This is from my own 'live' experiences. Whatever emotions come to us, one is mostly attached to them. For example, if I am fearing something, at the first place I am attached to the thought that has caused fear (I identify that thought as 'me'). Then:
a) I am attached to the 'possibilities' that thought can cause.
b) I am attached to the 'outcome' that pleases my ordinary mind the most
c) I am attached to the 'need' to be stuck with the thought - when there is a distraction, I don't like it. I try to get rid of the distraction fast so that I can be in that thought again.
Then I am caught in the web of thoughts and turmoil that this one thought can bring in my mind.
So, at the moment of death, for example, if I like music and am attached to a particular environment in which the music is played, then likely if same music is audible to me and pleases me (because of habit or because my mind liked it immensely at a particular time in life), my awareness will get drawn to that peace of music automatically and I might become the captive of the dark force. So, best is to zap all illusionary realities where I 'like' something or am attached to doing something in a particular manner, including all habits.
Also, about two days back while doing power walking activity, I felt joyous and also felt that I am all the expanse ie all this space within which everything that I can see right now is present. But this feeling gave rise to fear as I'm not used to such an expanse! Was scared of the expanse as ordinary mind is 'used to' its limited existence. I did zap the feeling of fear and fear of the unlimited also. But my energy testing has shown that this was an attack from the dark force. It was manipulating me to think that I was going to know the truth now. My deeper aspect warned me from encouraging this feeling (that's why response was a feeling of fear).
Aug 20
Have zapped the following:
a) Urge to 'know' about consciousness and how it operates
b) the notion that I 'need' to 'know' about consciousness
c) the 'attachment' to the feeling of 'knowing' about consciousness
Also, to align myself better with present time, I today tried to match my awareness with my physical acitivities. For example, if I am washing my hands, I awarely watch myself doing so. If I am picking up something, I watch the action of picking up and am aware of the same. Earlier, I used to be in a pool of thoughts and all these activities used to just happen unawarely. Now, I direct my awareness to all aspects of my being - all my physical activities as well as mental thoughts.
Aug 29, 2009
Being an observer is a suble activity and involves lot of constant conscious will to be an 'observer' all the while rather than being a participant. At most of the instances in life, specially if one is putting up in a social setup and interacting with people (I'm sure that this setup exists for everyone. Even if one is not in a setup of family, interactions as such can't be avoided. However, one can then easily choose whom to interact with and whom to not), one can easily slip. This is because of complexity involved in human interactions and communications. About 3 months ago, I tried to be a silent observer ie let each event just pass (witness) it. Tried not to get involved. But later I realized after about 2 and a half months that every shock and the detail which I did not like, was actually weakening for me and my observer status didn't help. Each shock was being stored in my awareness and was blocking it. Had a severe emotional breakdown just before going for a holiday. At that moment, I was 'scared' of everything. All my existence. I'd been too much on a 'giving' side to every single individual in my life. As a result every individual expected me to do the adjustment bit and lead my life according to others (this I realized as a problem statement). I tried to cater to this by 'reacting' first ie fighting and verbal confrontations and adjustments. But then realized that too much of it was actually causing stress for me. So, started being a silent observer by detaching myself from each state and not reacting. I drew my boundaries and tried to live 'within' myself rather than participating in events. But this was being stored in my awareness and was grossly 'weakening' for me. Thus, I was lead to a severe emotional breakdown one fine day. I felt 'scared' of interacting with any individual. Looking at the newspaper scared me. The table scared me, every single individual scared me. So, I kind of collapsed.
I had to take a full tablet of Alprax 2.5 mg (which I don't take but is prescribed by doctors widely and is being taken by 2 family members). Slept for about 3 hrs. When I woke up that day, I felt that I'm now growing old and my body will soon get weaker day by day. I've really entered the old age and I might have a heart attack.
Luckily, that was a time for holiday and I went there. Despite all these emotions, I enjoyed each moment and was rejuvinated despite of the odds present during holiday time also.
Turmoils have always been a part of my life, but this time I decided to overcome the situation of emotional drowning which was happening despite of my clarity sphere, power walking, core star visualization, grouding post, lying down (alexander technique), being a silent observer.
Then, to cater to a particular state, I found the following:
- state will always be there as this is the reason we are incarnated.
- state involves a thought and this thought affects our what is ie this thought has an actor, associated interactions, emotions, reaction, result of the reaction, alternative possibilities and reaction to a reaction
- so being a silent observer is fine, but it needs more to come out of 'habitual responses'.
Thus:
- be aware of a state (this should not be just a thought coming to mind but the broader events or aspects in what is that have resulted in the thought. ie have a bird's eye view. This is not an analysis or a conceptualization. But it does help in tracking the root of the thought can this thought can then be dealt with appropriately.
- be aware of the interactions
- witness what your own ordinary mind wants or how it reacts to a state
- before it becomes a reaction, see the possiblities as shown by the ordinary mind
- use energy testing to find out the best possible alternative
- excercise your conscious choice
- then put to grounding post and clarity sphere all that is an illusory reality which already existed while the state was coming to you or which was caused in the process of execution of the state.
So, there has to be an addressal to each and every aspect of the state as while being alive and while interacting with environment, stress is built and if not addressed properly (by only witnessing), it can cause serious damage. I think that a point comes when no stress is built and one remains just as an observer of all the phenomina.
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